Printing Is His Platform --DeWese

If I ran for President, I wouldn't stand a chance. First, I would have to say a few words about my sordid sewin'-the-wild-oats past involving some booze and the police a few times when I was younger. I wouldn't want that dug up. I'd rather just fess up at the git go.

My opponents would check the police database and find my fingerprints. Mind you, they'd find I never stole anything, took any drugs, cheated on any tests, divulged inside information or bribed anybody. There were a couple of fist-fights. I never wrecked my car with any passengers; I was always alone. I did lose the car a couple of times in New Orleans. It seems you can't park a vehicle overnight on Canal Street. The police down there tow you if you're parked past midnight.

Okay. There it is. I was just a little bit of a hell bustin' rogue up until age 30, er, maybe it was more like 40 or 50. Anyway, I'm over that now.

I suspect those few statements would move my rating in the Gallup polls down from 50 percent to about 20 percent.

Next, I would not permit any network or cable news programs to air any one-liner sound bites from my speeches. In fact, I would give no speeches. I would only send out direct mail printed, 200-page statements explaining my platform. Get it! I believe in PRINTED marketing communications.

Party Politics

I'd run as a member of the Lithography Party. Hardly anybody reads anymore so my ratings are probably down to about 10 percent of the electorate.

Here's a summary of my Presidential platform:

1) Nations, like print salespeople, must learn to sell with their ears rather than their mouths, their fists or their military might. Human beings must be motivated by persuasion. Persuasion occurs by asking artful questions and attentively listening. Socrates taught us that many years ago. I tried my mouth and fists and they didn't work.