Alan

I am writing this column on April 6, 2005. It's about 5:30 a.m. and I have got to finish this thing because Attila the Editor and his nefarious henchman, Chris Bauer, the managing editor, are insisting that they need it today so they can lay out the May edition of the magazine. Reread that last sentence with a whiny insistence in your voice and you will hear what I heard when they called to check on my progress. It's been 61 days since I quit smoking cold turkey and this kind of pressure isn't making it any easier. Now I can't drink—too many empty calories

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