How to Get a One-Star Rating
You all know that I love to tell tales about my retail and other experiences, right? This one’s a doozy...
Because I am the best wife ever, I got my husband a snowboarding trip for Christmas this year. In preparing for the trip he discovered that he needed new snowboarding boots. We happen to live in an abundant retail paradise with no fewer than three sporting goods stores within two miles of each other, so we figured we were golden—we’d load up the girls, go buy some boots, and head out to a late dinner. I won’t name names here; (rhymes with Click’s and Mort’s Authoriny) were a disaster. I am not going to recap all the horrors that ensued, I am simply going to encapsulate ways that, if you have the will, you can really scare off customers, alienate potential new customers, and guarantee that your bricks and mortar presence come into immediate danger of extinction. These are in no particular order.
- Ignore new customers all together. You are so engrossed in the conversation that you and three of your coworkers are having that you couldn’t possibly be bothered to acknowledge the existence of someone who has money in his pocket and is ready to give it to you. Smooth.
- The layout of your store should make no sense. Winter gear next to golf stuff. Racquetball rackets next to energy bars. Your space looks like it was designed and is maintained by monkeys. And that is really not fair to monkeys. I know a few with a real flair for design.
- Under no circumstances should your signage be accurate, consistent, or reflect what is on the actual shelf. Even better, when the client reluctantly brings something to the counter, you should tell them that not only is it not on clearance as the signage suggests, but that the item is actually scanning higher than the printed manufacturer’s suggested price. But you’ll offer to do the client a huge favor and honor the price printed on the box. You are a swell guy and a shrewd businessman!
- This one is vital. You MUST act like not only do you not need or want anyone’s business; you should actively behave as if to repel anyone with a legitimate need or money to spend. Bonus points to you if you print out fliers directing your clients to on-line retailers, or your competent competition like REI (who by the way is 30 minutes away and twice as expensive)
And next week we will pick up where I am leaving off with REI, and how to score a five-star rating while charging twice as much.