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Tragedy Brings Introspection -- DeWese

October 2001
EDITOR'S NOTE: The Mañana Man, Harris DeWese, took his formidable hulk to a nutritionist on June 28, 2001. This trained professional somehow motivated El Porko to embark on a diet based on six small meals daily and no more than 1,700 calories. She also persuaded him to exercise one hour daily.

Harris has lost 50 pounds, and now will answer only to "Studmuffin." He is so full of himself that he stares at his new profile in every plate glass window he passes. Mesmerized by himself, he has walked into one light pole and three pedestrians. This resulted in a knot on his forehead and a good cussing by the innocent pedestrians. It is even worse that he has boundless energy and has stopped taking naps. We cannot control him and apologize in advance for the column that follows...

Well, I knew it. I knew that my Second Great American Print Sales Prospecting Contest would single-handedly turn around the sluggish sales in the printing industry.

Yep. The contest entries are pouring in by e-mail, fax, telephone calls and letters. Hundreds of print salespeople are knocking themselves out to get new business just to have me wash their cars and buy them dinner.

I've lost a lot of weight and I may decide to wear some bathing trunks while I wash the cars. The vision of me and my "12 pack" abs will probably motivate the female salespeople to work even harder. A couple of retired widow ladies up at the supermarket have started calling me "Studmuffin" and one other woman called me "Hunkemon." I can sure understand why when I—occasionally—glance at myself in the mirror.

The rules are printed on page 68 and it's not too late to enter.

I had written all the drivel above before going to PRINT 01 in Chicago. Attila the Editor had given me until September 12, 2001, to finish this column and I had figured, "Hey, I'm the Mañana Man. Why knock myself out finishing the column. I'll do it when I return from Chicago."

Then came September 11, 2001, and my column seems unimportant. I have to be in a mood to write these things and the day after the tragedy I was in the same angry, despondent and dark mood as the rest of the American citizens. I doubt that, by the time you read this, you'll be in a mood that is receptive to the inane banality often found in my column.
 

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