Harris Heads to Boot Camp —DeWese

MY PUBLISHER, Printing Impressions, has been trying to discipline me for nearly 25 years. I’ve dealt with at least a dozen different staff editors (mean-spirited goons) over that span. The most recent arrival carries the title of Managing Editor, but I’m forced to salute her as “Sarge.”

This hotshot Managing Editor sent me an e-mail recently, and the subject was “Schedule.” The e-mail listed monthly deadlines for the remainder of 2008. It also listed the topics for my columns for the remaining issues this year.

Can you imagine Sarge telling me, the Mañana Man, what to write and when I’m to turn it in? The e-mail sounded a little threatening, so I figured I better do a little research. I took a page from some of our politicians, trying to dig up any possible past dirt on her.

I made some phone calls and, sure enough, this latest Managing Editor is a former Marine trained at Parris Island and an honor graduate from boot camp.

My Knees Are Shaking

This next part scared the bejeebers out of me. Sarge scored Expert with the M16 rifle, and out shot everyone with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on a helicopter (during a familiarization firing exercise).

Now, you readers can understand and empathize with the duress I suffer. Do you know what it’s like to write under this intense pressure?

I suppose you do, since many of you are selling printing with no company support, and maleficent and incompetent management (translation: bad and dumb bosses). Those of you who have smart, supportive bosses are the lucky ones, and you need to work twice as hard so you can stay where you are.

Sarge gave me the copy deadlines and the required topics for the rest of 2008. I’ll give you a little preview, and maybe you can get a head start on the remaining seven months.

’Scuse me for a minute. Phone’s ringing.

“Oh, Hello All Mighty and Masterful Sarge. How may I be of service? You want each column to be funnier? But it’s already funny. What?! You want how many pushups? Yes Sir, Sarge Sir, ’er Maam!”

She calls all the time and interrupts me. Sorry.

As I was saying, Sarge wants the June column to be titled, “How to Quadruple Your Print Sales in One Week.”

This little trick will require either:

1) A blood relative who controls printing worth several million dollars;

2) A close friend who controls printing worth several million dollars; or

3) Someone you can bribe or blackmail who controls millions in print sales.

Quadrupling sales, for most mere mortals, would take several years of real hard work. It would require a lot of prospecting, research, telephone calls, face-to-face calls and developing an in-depth understanding of prospects’ needs.

Training or Torture?

The July issue of PRINTING IMPRESSIONS is the annual “Master Specifier” (buyers’ guide), and there is no regular editorial content, so I’m off the hook for a July column. But, Sarge says I still have to camp out in PRINTING IMPRESSIONS’ basement for a month-long Writer’s Boot Camp. She mentioned something about 15-mile runs and 3,000-word writing exercises each and every day.

For the August edition, Sarge wants me to write about “How to Sell Your Clients on Switching Newspaper Advertising Dollars to Direct Mail.” This will require:

1) Compromising photographs;

2) A gallon of Jack Daniels; or

3) Hypnosis.

Actually, this transfer of media spending might be appropriate in some cases. It will require heavy research into the relative response rate the client enjoys from the newspaper and projected or test response rates from direct mail. The point is, if you can prove (or it appears highly probable) that direct mail will be more profitable than newspaper advertising, then your customer may agree to a test.

This media switch strategy is applicable to many alternatives, so you have to think creatively. The real point here is that you must become a marketing consultant to your clients in order to build an entrenched, long-term relationship.

Sarge wants me to write a September column titled, “Back to School Sales Training at the Printing Impressions Boot Camp.” Here, the concept is that print salespeople will pay $10,000 to spend a month in Philadelphia being trained by me. Remember W.C. Fields’ proposed epitaph: “All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”

There will be 12 people to each room who will sleep on Army, ’er Marine Corps, cots, ’er “racks.” I will lecture eight hours per day (I may have to read the phone book). When not in class, Sarge will lead physical training (PT) drills for everyone.

Sarge says I have to write on the “Value of Extraordinary Stamina” for the October issue. Here again, I will quote W.C. Fields when he said, “If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” On the other hand, Woody Allen once noted, “Ninety percent of success is just showing up.”

In that column I will tell you about one of the greatest salesmen I ever met in my early career. He was not handsome or tall. He was not clever or articulate. He called on a giant Fortune 500 prospect for seven years, once each week on the same day at the same time, and eventually wound up with $10 million in printing.

I Have to Do What?!

Sarge says I have to write about “Grooming, the Marine Corps Way” for my November submission. You can see where that’s going. I’m sure some of you will boycott my column that month. This is an era of individuality, and I know all about piercings, tattoos and cleavage.

Marvelle Stump, America’s worst print salesman, still sports a mullet and loves to make calls wearing sleeveless shirts that show off his scrawny, 12˝ inch biceps adorned with multiple tattoos. But, my message to Marvelle and others will be, “If it detracts from the sales message, don’t do it!”

Finally, in December, my boss lady wants me to write about “Surefire Sales Success Through Talking.” She claims you always have a chance for the sale, as long as the buyer is listening.

Well, of course, Sarge could get away with her philosophy in the Marine Corps. Out here in the sales world, we have to listen our way into sales, and that will comprise my year-end topic, “The Value of Listening Skills.”

The phone’s ringing again. Call Waiting tells me it’s the Sarge. I’m not going to answer. I’ll pretend I’m napping.

Meanwhile, why don’t you pretend to get out there and sell something! And, don’t forget to check out my new books at http://bookstore.napco.com/PI/ in the “Sales & Marketing” section. PI

—Harris DeWese

About the Author
Harris DeWese is the author of “Now Get Out There and Sell Something,” which is available through NAPL or PIA/GATF. He is chairman/CEO of Compass Capital Partners and is an author of the annual “Compass Report,” the definitive source of information regarding printing industry M&A activity. DeWese has completed 141 printing company transactions and is viewed as the industry’s preeminent deal maker. He can be reached via e-mail at HDeWese@ CompassCapLtd.com.