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Mañana Man Runs Amok, Again —DeWese

January 1999
Harris DeWese has been under the weather with the Cajun Flu for a few days so, I, The Mañana Man, am writing this column in his stead. As you know, I am the genius "other" personality trapped in DeWese's body, such as it is. This will give me a chance to get some things off my chest that DeWese never lets me say.

For years I've lobbied to have my picture on the cover of this magazine. I've asked nicely. I've submitted written proposals. I begged. I implored. I whined. Whining almost worked once back in 1986 when the cover story company went belly-up two weeks before the edition was scheduled to print.

Back in 1991, I set up a petition-signing card table in the lobby of the Printing Impressions building. I had three petition signatures favoring me on the cover before the cops came. They not only arrested me but also the three nice winos who stumbled in to escape the cold and had signed on my behalf. (Wait: "Wino" probably isn't politically correct. Make that "gentlemen who were permanently inebriated.")

But, nooo! Attila the Editor has chosen to ignore my years of loyal service, the hundreds of thousands of words written and the popularity of this column. I get no respect. I'm mad! I'm not gonna take it anymore! Revenge will be sweet.

Yep, I'm starting my own magazine.

The first cover features me. All future covers will feature me.

I'm callin' the new magazine Printing Confessions.

I'm going to bury all the existing printing trade magazines. My magazine will tell all. Lawsuits be damned.

I'll have centerfolds like "Print Buyers Bare All" and "The Naked Truth about Paper Salespeople." I'll interview myself for the first cover story. In my own magazine, I won't have to mask the truth. I can tell it like it is. When DeWese writes the column for Printing Impressions, he hardly lets me get in a word edgewise. My interview will go like this.

Printing Confessions: Mañana Man, your detractors have accused you of being shallow and meaningless. How do you answer that charge?

Mañana Man: I should be substantive and meaningful? I write about print sales! Are you kidding? The people who choose to sell printing have to be a little wacko in the first place. Why would rational human beings want to subject themselves to all the rejection, unreturned voice mails, unrelenting price buyers and picky dot fanatics? My readers need to laugh about 300 times a day to keep from crying or overdosing on Jack Daniels.
 

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