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The 'Normal' Kidnapper -- DeWese

January 2004
Thinking is hard for me. It tires my brain and then I have to take a nap.

I got to thinking the other day about how important it is to be "normal." I had just finished a phone conversation with a good pal who is president of a $100 million-plus printing company. My buddy is very "normal." I'm talkin' head-screwed-on-straight rational, without any peccadilloes. There's nary an eccentric bone in his body.

Conversations with this guy are fun and refreshing because he's "normal" and, of course, I am "normal."

All this thinking about being "normal" prompted me to do some high-level, in-depth research and here's what I found:

Looking at the Numbers

The U.S. population is 288,369,698. You have to back out all the infants and toddlers whose personalities are not fully formed and are definitely "abnormal." Next you have to eliminate the kids going through that weird puberty thing and all the teenagers. None of these people are "normal." Okay, according to the Census Bureau, that leaves 215,475,215 people who are potentially "normal."

Now, you have to eliminate all the eccentrics. There are 115,464,303 folks with various neuroses and compulsive behavior.

Take out all the egomaniacs. There are a bunch of these egocentric, self-focused jerks. In fact, the total is 56,789,212 and now we're down to only 43,221,700 potentially "normal" people.

But wait! I'm not finished.

You have to subtract the criminals on the lam, the criminals who are incarcerated, the criminally insane and all the terrorists who may be wandering around and perhaps even living in your own neighborhood. Deduct another 15,212,702.

Did I say "ne'er do wells"? No I didn't. They number 17,454,234. And what about the deadbeats? I had to take them out and we're down to 6,554,754 people who are maybe "normal."

But, I haven't subtracted the people addicted to various substances including booze. Now, I'm down to 573,169 and I still haven't subtracted all the TV "personalities," Hollywood stars, Hollywood-type hangers-on groupies and all the politicians. Now, we only have 313,923 U.S. citizens who may be "normal."

I simply must eliminate all professional athletes, especially NFL players who celebrate their accomplishments no matter how minor and even when their team is losing. I'm going to start celebrating my minor accomplishments (most of mine are trifling). Say for example, I show up for a meeting on time. I'll conceive a dance where I spike my attaché on the conference table and do about 10 seconds of the "funky chicken." Cutting out the celebrating athletes leaves us with only 310,865 people who are potentially "normal."
 

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