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Ban: Celebs, GOP Hopefuls –DeWese

December 2011

Here is some good news. Since Christmas and various other holidays are nigh (imminent, close, near, approaching and other abundant synonyms), I'm going to give you a light, humorous column. You know, the kind of column you can read over and over and, thus, keep yourselves in a good mood during this holiday season.

Boy oh boy. I'll be giving our industry a huge boost during these troubled times. Ok, here goes.

Kim Kardashian KO'd

I will not, during this column or during the entire year 2012, include the name Kim Kardashian (KK). She hasn't contributed anything to the printing industry. Not a single sales tip, not one sales principle and absolutely no technical know-how.

KK was married to some professional basketball player for 72 days. I have been married, as of this writing, for 17,950 days. During that time we have had 5,345 arguments, 648 fierce verbal quarrels and 29,763 spats. My record is 41 wins and 35,715 losses. Never once was I accused of sexual harassment, which is currently the most popular failing of men.

Politically Perplexed

That was number one. Here's number two.

I will not write about the political circus among the GOP presidential candidates. This is painful because they provide great fodder for columns as examples of how not to sell printing or sell anything for that matter. On the other hand, they are great customers for our printed products during the presidential election season—so long as they pay their bills.

Here is another gift. I will not write about Lindsay Lohan. I'm not even sure what a Lindsay Lohan is or what she does. I will not mention her in any column next year. You hear me? Not one word about Lindsay.

I will not bore you with my weight loss in the past 24 months. I have lost 72 pounds, from 268 all the way down to 196. (But, if you e-mail me, I'll happily send along my diet.)

Some of the Hollywood types are not known for their honesty. And, we all know that the politicians are not all that trustworthy. This next exercise requires your complete honesty because, if you lie, you will be lying to yourself.

No Pain, No Gain

This is a 2012 planning exercise.

First, estimate the number of new account prospecting calls you made on a daily basis this year. This is background for your estimate of the number of calls that you expect to make next year.

 

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