Still Going Strong —DeWese
So as not to create a problem I’d suck up and say something like, “Oh, forgive me mighty editor. I’ll never alliterate again!” (Bet my present hatchet man misses that one. “Alliterate” is not a word.)
All those young journalism graduates were brought in to polish my gargantuan talent and teach me something.
Yep, yep, that should be all of them. I’ve finished the list. There have been 27 assistant editors over the years who have done all in their power to prevent me from getting the Pullet Surprise or the National Literary Award that I so richly deserve.
See, the magazine boss people worry I’ll write something that will get us sued. For example, in September I wrote about a blight on our great printing industry. I wrote about industry people who are indolent, lethargic, lazy, slothful SLACKERS! They take their paychecks and find multivariate ways to avoid doing any real work.
In that column I reported my groundbreaking research that proves our industry would be 78.67 percent more profitable if we could get rid of all the slackers—which includes company presidents, chief financial officers, sales managers, plant managers, customer service people, just a small handful of salespeople and so on.
Well, of course, my statistics got the industry experts all agitated and the first to call was Dr. Joe Webb. He proclaimed, “DeWese, you pathetic bumpkin. The industry would be 94.68 percent more profitable and would actually grow overall at 9.2698 percent if we could shed all of the non-working bums.”
I’m not about to argue with Dr. Webb, so I responded, “Okay! I’ll tell my readers that I made a slight mistake.”
Then, wouldn’t you know, Dick Gorelick landed long enough to call me. He’s on the road a lot visiting many printing companies where he imparts his marketing and management genius. He said, “Harris, you know you can’t go around spouting your invalid statistical drivel! Let me help you. Inform your readers that the real profit improvement would be 117.9827 percent if we could fire all of the weaseling non-workers.”