Sources of Inspiration —DeWese

IT’S ELECTION Day evening. I’m sitting here trying to get inspired to write my 244th column and my 24th Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Holiday column.

There. I’ve gotten the political correctness thing behind me. But my depression lingers. I’m not depressed by the election outcome. We all knew long before now what the results would be.

I’m depressed at being inundated for months by all the phone calls, the multitude of negative television commercials, the handful of positive TV commercials and all of the road signs stretching around highways of America.

I want all that stuff banned and the political money in future elections redirected to the printing industry. Yep, all of you get all the political advertising.

Pushing for More Printing

I’m going to draft some legislation and send it to this partially new Congress. The most important part of the bill will be the requirement that all candidates must publish their platforms on a minimum of 16 pages 8.5×11˝, coated stock in at least four-color process and they must pay for the jobs up front with certified funds.

The TV stations will suffer. The telephone solicitors are mostly volunteer, but there are some sophisticated automated phone dialer programs that will suffer. Since campaign signs are printed, they can still put out road signs for two weeks prior to the election, but they must retrieve them all as soon as the polls close. This will be handled by the losers; the winners are busy partying and too drunk to drive around retrieving road signs.

Great idea, eh?

I figure this will put about $5 billion more in our pockets. Oh, maybe it’s $6 billion since the candidates will be forced to let us send out their printed mailings in polybags so the recipients can see who is sending the beautifully printed candidate platform. In fact, the candidates may also require different versions for different voter segments.

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