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What Really Scares You? -- DeWese

May 2001
The April 2, 2001, edition of Time magazine featured a cover story titled "What Scares You?" The subtitle was, "Don't be afraid to read about the promising new cures for hundreds of phobias." Well, I have to tell ya, the title scared the bejeebers out of me. I was mysteriously compelled to read it.

The editors at Time must have a huge research staff because the article listed several hundred phobias alphabetically. Just listen to some of the "H" phobias. There is hedonophobia or the fear of feeling pleasure. Then there is heliophobia or the fear of the sun. And then there is hemophobia, which is the fear of blood. And there is herpetophobia or the fear of reptiles. I'll skip down to the "Ms" where I find mycophobia (fear of mushrooms) and myxophobia (fear of slime).

I could only think of one phobia for me and it wasn't listed in the Time article. My phobia is mriophobia or the fear of ever having another MRI. They can cart my carcass off to the incinerator before I ever let anyone wedge my wide body in another MRI tube for 45 minutes.

I gave the article to my new sidekick, Pablo El Primo y Montoya de la Santos y Franco, to read. Pablo has hired on to help me in my quest to profitize all the printing companies in America. I hired him because he claims to be Spanish royalty and a direct descendent of the late Generalissimo Francisco Franco on his father's side and the late Queen Isabella on his mother's side. I figured a little royalty would class up my act.

Pablo reads the Time article on phobias and tells me that it doesn't cover any sales phobias. I said, "Pablo, mi amigo, you are right! And, it doesn't cover any print sales phobias." We were inspired. (It doesn't take much to inspire us on a Friday night.)

I grabbed a pencil and paper, Pablo went for a bottle of his homemade muscatel and we recorded all the print sales phobias we have seen in America's print salespeople. It warmed our hearts because we knew we were doing something good for the printing industry.

Laboraphobia—this is the fear of work. Its symptoms include indolence, as in sitting at one's desk pretending to work while furtively reading a paperback novel or working a crossword puzzle. It also manifests itself in sleeping late, hiding out in movie theaters and going home early. Victims of laboraphobia are skilled at making excuses like, "Our prices are too high." And, "My car is in the shop and I've got a bad case of the gout."
 

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