Waiting on 383 Sales Tips –DeWese

Boy am I worried. The editor-in-chief of this magazine and the publisher are taking me to dinner next week. We are going to a very private, out-of-the-way, quiet and exclusive restaurant. I’m scared that it’s going to be one of those mob hit dinners where I take a Louisville Slugger to the back of my head just as I’m slurping my first spoonful of hemlock soup. After all, this is Philadelphia, the home of creative mob rubouts.

Or, maybe they’re gonna strip all the buttons off my jacket and drum me out of their writers’ corp. I can see myself limping out of the restaurant with the patrons jeering a broken and forlorn old column writer.

You’d think they would be grateful for my 20 years of faithful service writing these columns. Typing these things while wearing these silly mittens isn’t easy, you know. Sometimes it takes me two, three hours to make up this stuff.

I got it. They’re gonna can me because I’m too short. I just read a study put out by the University of Florida that reports tall people are better than short people and make $789 more per inch annually than their shorter co-workers. The Florida study made no mention of the pay difference between fat and slim workers. I’ll bet there’s some compensation bias based on body mass index (BMI). Attila the Editor is about 6’5˝ and very slim, and now he’s going to toss me on the scrap heap of short, fat writers.

The irony of this potential tragedy is that they haven’t even read this column and it’s going to be my absolute best ever.

This issue of Printing Impressions contains a list of the Top 400 printing companies in North America. I figured I would write a column containing my Top 400 Sales Tips for print salespeople. That way there would be one compendium of everything that is known about selling printing.

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