Self-esteem Looms Large — DeWese

Wow, this Great American Print Sales Prospecting Contest is going great! I already have more than 200 entries!

Companies are sending me their monthly results. This is a lot of bookkeeping for me, but it’s worth it to see salespeople earning new accounts. The contest winners get, among other things, a visit by me and I’ll be washing the winning salespeople’s cars in the company parking lots while the salespeople watch.

I’m practicing up on my car washing. I sure hope the winners don’t have any SUVs or Winnebagos. I know that Marvelle Stump and all the salespeople at Dynolithographix in Hot Coffee, MS, have some nasty old pickups. But, there’s no way in hell they can win.

It’s not too late to enter your company in my contest. Read the rules on this page and enter now. It’s your chance to put your name in the annals of printing history AND get your chariot washed by the ol’ Mañana Man. I will also be buying a big dinner for the winners and giving each winning salesperson my coveted Mañana Award.

These are tough and tragic times. Apparently, I’m too old, dumb and slow to qualify for the Delta Force that’s tracking down the lousy terrorists.

I went to the local Marine recruiting office, filled out the application and got in line. The recruiting Sergeant never looked up as he scanned my application. When he did look up at me, he laughed until tears ran down his tanned, muscle-bound cheeks. He said, “I’ve had 17-year-old kids lie about their age, but I’ve never had an old gray beard try to convince me that he’s 25. Get out of here old man! Go swig some Geritol, keep payin’ your taxes and wavin’ the flag.”

Then I looked up the qualifications and training required for the Green Berets and the Navy Seals. It appeared to me that I would be in traction after the first morning in boot camp, so I didn’t bother to call.

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