Special Session for ‘Losers’ —DeWese

FAILING? FAILING!

Eleven of my readers are failing my PhD. course here at Mañana University. I have given my readers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to earn a doctorate in print communications sales. We are only in class number four in the first semester, and some of you are already failing.

Students don't have to leave their offices or homes. They can lean back in a recliner or relax on a chaise lounge, or study and sip at a cocktail lounge. You can even float in your pool and study these lessons. There is no professor standing over your shoulder poised to rap your knuckles with a heavy ruler.

So, I cannot understand why 11 of you are failing. I am annoyed. I am frustrated. I am so angry that I called the infamous 11 to come in to my conference room for a face-to-face confrontation in a counseling session.

Some of these "failures" work for the best companies in our industry. Companies that are constantly investing in better equipment, better workflows, better people and even better employee benefits. It should be a requirement that these salespeople invest some time to improve their performance.

The Results Are in: F

I recorded this special help session. The transcript appears below. All of you good students remember the test I gave you last month. It will benefit the good students to read the pathetic responses of your inadequate classmates. I am going to review some answers given by the incompetent 11.

Professor DeWese: "All of you take your seats and settle down. Monique, you must keep your hands to yourself. Do not, I repeat, do not pinch the posteriors of either of the men to your left or to your right. This is not a fun session. This is an old-fashioned punishment session. The first question was to list the bona fide sales you made that were produced and billed during the previous 30 days. Monique, I will start with you. How did you answer?"

Monique LaFlamme: "I tried real hard that month. I would have had some sales, but the plant, customer service and the accounting department messed up the three jobs I sold. They all blamed me for losing the sales, claiming that I took incorrect specs, or that I misquoted the job when I tried to bump the estimate or when I specified the wrong paper. Picky, picky, picky. If those sales had gone through, they would have totaled about $2,750, which is about 5 percent of my monthly draw quota. So, thanks to my incompetent co-workers, I am $225,000 under my quota and the three customers won't take my phone calls."

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