More PIA/GATF Candidates --CagleMay 2002
Ken Lay: The former Enron chairman needs a job, right? He has lots of executive experience and expertise. Knows how to take stock of a situation. Hey, some people just make a bigger splash when they go down for the third time. After all, everyone deserves a second chance. Call him a darkhorse candidate.
H. Ross Perot: His presence placates those who feel this industry is in need of a financial booster shot. The former U.S. presidential candidate has never been at a loss for words, so if any association speaker bails out of an engagement at the last moment, Ross is our hoss. Sure, he's hard to take serious, but he has the Don Rickles snowballing comedic effect. Once he gets going, you can't stop laughing. "You sheetfed people are living a fool's paradise," he'd say. "Y'all will be broke in a year and end up selling those promotional pens that feature nudie girls whenever ya turn 'em upside down. Web, web offset, that's the ticket! So don't be a damn idiot! Get with the program! Only 10-year-olds want nudie pens. And ya know what? They ain't got a damn dime, either . . ."
Britney Spears: Purely a gimmick candidate to boost membership. But maybe the demographics aren't ideal, as the pop music icon appeals mainly to girls ages 7 to 12 and men ages 30 to 45. But if she has the endorsement of no less than one Robert Dole ("Bob Dole digs Pepsi"), then I think she's owed a second look—at least.
Take your pick, Mr. Murphy.
HDIA SMACKDOWN: Joel Friedman, you're in over your head, buddy!
The Heidelberg Digital Imaging Association's executive director figured that, as a pleasant aside to shop talk, he'd start a fantasy baseball league comprised of membership and media. I took this as a personal challenge to my vast, expansive repository of baseball knowledge. Thus were born the On-Demand Dingers, one of 10 squads in the HDIA fantasy loop and clearly the odds-on favorite to win the grand prize, a fully loaded NexPress, which will fit nicely in my garage. At least I think that's what the grand prize is; Joel was a little fuzzy on the details.
Also in contention are such colorful names as the Gold Hill Gold Diggers, HDIA Headquarters, Heidelberg Canada, Heidelberg Japan, Heidelberger Drucks, Jabroni's, MO DaVinci, hockeysox and Susan's Yankees.
Naturally, since I've started the trash talking, I'm sure most (if not all) of my brilliant picks will be injured at some point during the season. Play ball but, as Harris DeWese would say, go out and sell something first.
By Erik Cagle