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Get Your Dieting and Sales Tips --DeWese

August 2004
All I had to do was hint that I might run for president in my June column and, you guessed it, there was an enormous groundswell of support. So far, I have $123.86 in my "Mañana Man for President" campaign fund. This is enough for a bus ticket to Manhattan where I will be making speeches on various high-traffic corners to capture all of New York state's electoral votes. I'm counting on this for a domino effect throughout the other 49 states.

Enough of that. I have a better money-making scheme.

It's the "Mañana Man Merger Diet!" I have lost 62 pounds since August of 2003. I weighed 259 when I started and now I weigh 197. See the graphic artist's recreation of my Before and After profile on this page. I forgot to take the Before picture when I started dieting so there's not much point in an After picture. The artist has it roughly correct.

Senior women, strangers, are approaching me in the grocery store and flirting by asking suggestive questions like, "Where will I find the asparagus?" I know what they are up to and I'm not falling for their obvious infatuations. My bride of 42 years, Attila the Nun—a crazy liberal Democrat—is considering abandoning her hotsy totsy aversion to grocery shopping to accompany me to protect her turf—that's me, Mr. Stud Muffin, from the wily retirement home ladies.

I turned 62 on June 30th, can bench press more than my weight and every day people tell me, "Harris, you don't look a day over 59." My newfound beauty just kills my buddy, Dave the Printer. He is 66, dumb enough to own a printing company and insanely jealous of my bronze sculpted body. He has no column anywhere; he probably can't write a complete sentence, so he has no way to fight back except with his "hate" phone calls.

Well, anyway, my new diet plan is an amalgamation of all the diets I tried while losing the 62 pounds. It's a combo of the South Beach Diet, the Atkins Diet, Weight Watchers, the grapefruit diet, the under 1,000 calorie diet and the Liverwurst and Raw Egg Yolk diet.

If you want to sign up for my program, just send me $3,000 in cash (I don't have a Website and I don't take checks or credit cards.)

I have this new svelte body and inordinate old man strength, so I work outside tending my gardens more than ever before. As a result my perennial and vegetable gardens are flourishing and weed-free.
 

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