Ease Your Pain And Suffering — Cagle

BUSINESS of print

OK, SO it’s 12:30 a.m., and my 3-month-old son is screaming his head off. Out comes the formula, a fresh Huggie for his bottom and an audience with yours truly, barely able to keep his eyes open during the feeding.

Needing animation to keep from dozing off (and fumbling the newborn), I switch on the TV and find the Game Show network, knowing that the “Match Game” has ended. That leaves “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” or at least the second half hour with Regis.

Some schmoe actually uses a life line for a simple $8,000 question and still gets it wrong. Gah, what a moron. Take your thousand bucks and slink back to Elk Grove Village, Rhodes Scholar.

Then comes the commercial, and it’s a somber voice touting a law firm. The voice is deadly serious…do you have Acute Myelogenous Leukemia? Do you know what it is, the creepy voice inquired? Heck no, I botched the $16,000 health question.

Well, gentle readers, apparently it is caused by exposure to benzene, a solvent used by your favorite industry. And just to make sure you were aware of its existence, the TV ad lists those professions most likely exposed to the agent. At the bottom of the list, bigger than life, it reads the “printing industry.”

The attorney’s Website notes that the use of benzene, as a solvent, has been banned in this country for more than 20 years, but still exists in most petroleum solvents.

This is, of course, another classic cash grab advertisement by the Ambulance Shyster Society, seeking to prey on the unfortunate victims of disease and debilitation. These cunning lawyers succeed by putting a face on their clients’ pain and suffering—in this case, their clients’ employer/insurance company. That these TV spots run at 1 a.m. is curious; do the lawyers envision an uninitiated, unemployed sloth, sprawled out on the couch, waiting for his ship to come in? Nah…we’ll take the high road and suggest that this firm preferred the cheaper overnight TV ad rates.

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