I've done a few controversial things lately and some hotsy totsy journalists decided to interview, make that "grill," me the way they attack famous people on TV. Your Mañana Man, that's me, fears nothing so I let these so-called "jourkalists" set up a conference call for the "interview."
One of the interviewers was Geraldo "I'm in Afghanistan single-handedly winning the war" Rivera. The other TV personalities were Chris "Hardball" Matthews, Barbara "Pour your guts out to me, baby" Walters and legal expert Johnnie "I got O.J. off-the-hook" Cochran. Two printing industry writers dialed in from American Lithographic magazine and Graphic Arts Weekly.
The lady from Graphic Arts Weekly started with the first dirty, underhanded question. What follows is a totally unexpurgated transcript of this vicious interrogation and my studied, well-conceived responses. I want you faithful readers to get the whole truth before these muckrakers misquote me.
Graphic Arts Weekly: "DeWese, who do you think you are starting the Great American Print Sales Prospecting Contest? We think the whole thing is a fraud and some scheme you cooked up to draw more attention to yourself."
DeWese: "Well, Ms. Know-it-all, for your information, some of America's greatest printing companies signed up. Companies like Sandy Alexander in Clifton, NJ, Executive Printing of Atlanta, all of the Premier Graphics companies, a Wallace company and many more. I'm trying, you big dummy, to draw attention to the hardworking print salespeople of America and to help them recognize the need to prospect for new business every day.
"Furthermore, the NAPL's Gregg Van Wert endorsed the contest and has provided some of the prizes. NAPL is our industry's foremost proponent of good management and good sales practices, and it performs so well under Mr. Van Wert's leadership that this endorsement is better than the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval."
Geraldo: "I have in my hand a tape recording of your conversation with a telemarketer who called you. Do you deny that you refused to buy anything from this person unless it was presented to you with a printed brochure? What kind of un-American attitude is that?"
DeWese: "That's right, 'Gerardo.' That's what I tell all telemarketers. Of course, your taped conversation happened to be with a telemarketer trying to sell me Somalian pork belly futures. I've started a one-man campaign against any products that are sold by telemarketers, on TV, radio or the Internet. I won't buy anything unless the seller presents it to me in print, preferably some coated piece with lots of pages in four-color process, with PMS colors and exotic die-cutting or foil stamping.
"The sexier the piece, the better, and the more I will buy. I work in the printing industry and I don't care about the other media. You want my money for your product? Then tell me about it in a printed piece. I'm hopin' this catches on and becomes a movement across America so we can double and then triple the size of the printing industry."
Johnnie Cochran: "Is it true that you have violated anti-trust legislation by asking all printers to simultaneously raise prices by 25 percent? My investigators have found one of your woolen mittens and your DNA on a half-empty glass of Jack Daniels in the sleazy New York hotel room where you concocted this price-fixing scheme."
Mañana Man: "Well, Mr. Johnnie 'Play the DNA Card' Cogburn, I might have expected this kind of inflammatory question from you. Your evidence won't fly. First of all, if it were my Jack Daniels glass, it would not have been half full. It would have been empty. And everybody knows that I wear cotton mittens because of my wool allergy and those terrible rashes.
"The truth is that I merely asked printers of America to raise their prices to reflect the real value they provide their customers. Some customers, as much as I love 'em, have hammered us far too long on price. They pit one printer against another and shrink margins down to nothin'."
American Lithographer: "Mañana Man, or whatever you call yourself, I've always wanted to tell you that you couldn't write for our magazine if you were the last columnist on earth. I want to know right now who ghost writes your column. You are too stupid and dysfunctional to come up with such great prose."
DeWese: "Well, thanks, your ugliness! Okay, okay, I fess up. I don't write these columns. The print salespeople of America write these columns. Every customer I ever had helps write these columns. I learned everything I know about selling from my customers and others.
"The owners of America's printing companies also write these columns. They call me with their problems and I get to see how many of those problems get solved. So, you see, everything I know that is worth a damn, I learned from somebody else. So, you misguided misanthrope, I guess you got me on this one. Great salespeople do the same thing; they learn from others every minute of every day. That's how they get better."
Chris Matthews: "Now, let me tell you what I really think. I think print is dead. The Internet is going to replace printing. How do your respond to that, DeWese, you indiscreet, indolent idiot?"
DeWese: "Well, Mr. Curveball Matthews, let me tell you what I really think. The printing industry is the fourth largest employer in the United States, with more than 1.2 million employees. The number of employees is growing. This is a great industry. You must not have looked in your mailbox lately, but I bet it's full of direct mail and catalogs selling everything from sausage to lingerie. I hear you really like those Victoria's Secret catalogs. The Internet will never replace printing.
"Many companies now use printed material and the Internet hand-and-hand to sell their wares. Many dotcoms have become big printing customers because they need direct mail to draw people to their Websites. When you can tell me that you have a PC in your bathroom and have thrown out that stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs you keep next to the john, I may concede that the Internet has made some inroads into our share of the advertising dollar. Mr. Curveball, you should stick to politics where your guests can make up their own answers. I'm the Mañana Man and I stick to the facts."
Ms. Walters: "Hawwis, tell us why you recently called the editor of People magazine and raised a big stink because you weren't named to its Sexiest Man list? Fwankly, you don't look even the least bit sexy to me."
Mañana Man: "Why, thank you Miz Walters! Thanks for telling the whole world about that little incident. Here's what happened. I'm leafing through People magazine's list of The World's Sexiest Men and, for the 23rd year in a row, I can't find my name. I didn't even break into the top 25 on the hunk list. I've been on this diet, depriving my taste buds of all that's good, and I'm not on the list?
"I called the editor of People and asked that she review the entire Sexiest Man database and let me know where I rank. She was very accommodating and read, 'Number one is George Clooney, Hollywood, CA.' She proceeded to read on and on. 'Number 345,789 is Tommie Lee Brooks, Eufala, AL.' She continued, 'Number 10,817,005 is Paulie Studmaroni, Queens, NY.' I begged her to stop when she got to 'Number 79,204,561,' who turned out to be my neighbor in the back, Big Al.
"I suggested to the People magazine editor that somebody must have stolen my identity. I know for a fact that there were a few Christmases when Santa misplaced me in his database, so it could have happened at People magazine, too. That's all; there was no stink.
"You journalists have stunk up my column with your virulent vilifications long enough. My readers have got to get out there and sell something."
—Harris DeWese
About the Author
Harris DeWese is the author of Now Get Out There and Sell Something!, published by Nonpareil Books. He is a principal at Compass Capital Partners and is an author of the annual "Compass Report," the definitive source of information regarding printing industry M&A activity. DeWese specializes in investment banking, mergers and acquisitions, sales, marketing, planning and management services to printing companies.
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